Until I Am Whole

Until I Am Whole
Album	Transcendental Youth
Released	2012
Artist	the Mountain Goats
Length	2:49
Previous track	"White Cedar"
Next track	"Night Light"

Until I Am Whole is the sixth song on the album Transcendental Youth. It also appears as the fifth song on the 2020 live album The Jordan Lake Sessions: Volumes 1 and 2.

Lyrics

Sunset on Snohomish
Burn the tree line down
Hold my hopes underwater
Stand there and watch them drown
Fishing out their bodies
From the bathroom sink
Leave them in a bucket
Til they start to stink

I think I'll stay here
Til I feel whole again
I don't know when

Trout swim past the fishing lines
Sky gets dark and close
Cars start up and make
Their nightly exodus
On a picnic bench alone
Watch the sky go dark
Dig my nails into my hands
Hope it leaves a mark

I think I'll stay here
Til I feel whole again
I don't know when

Comments by John Darnielle About this Song

• “It’s about a person you know who is struggling with the sort of depression that prevents you from taking care of yourself. And I thought well that’s something I have direct experience of.” (Live Gig Pre-September 2012)
• "the yoga of self-mutilation" -- 2013-03-04 - WTF with Marc Maron Podcast
• “This is a song about self harm.” -- 2017-11-08 - Calvin Theatre - Northampton, MA

Things Referenced in this Song

• Snohomish is a city in northern Washington.

Live Shows this Song Was Played at

• 2012-03-24 - Merkin Concert Hall - New York, NY
• 2012-04-02 - The Barbican - London, England
• 2012-10-15 - Bowery Ballroom - New York, NY
• 2012-10-19 - The Haunt - Ithaca, NY
• 2012-10-22 - Fine Arts Center - Calvin College - Grand Rapids, MI
• 2012-10-23 - Pabst Theatre - Milwaukee, WI
• 2012-10-24 - The Varsity Theater - Minneapolis, MN
• 2012-10-26 - Blue Moose Tap House - Iowa City, IA
• 2012-11-29 - Terminal West - Atlanta, GA
• 2012-11-30 - The Grey Eagle - Asheville, NC
• 2012-12-01 - Mercy Lounge - Nashville, TN
• 2012-12-03 - Cain's Ballroom - Tulsa, OK
• 2012-12-05 - Emo's East - Austin, TX
• 2012-12-08 - Crescent Ballroom - Phoenix, AZ
• 2012-12-09 - Club Congress - Tucson, AZ
• 2012-12-10 - The Irenic - San Diego, CA
• 2012-12-12 - Masonic Lodge - Hollywood Forever Cemetery - Los Angeles, CA
• 2012-12-13 - Origami Vinyl - Los Angeles, CA
• 2012-12-13 - Troubadour - West Hollywood, CA
• 2012-12-14 - The Fillmore - San Francisco, CA
• 2012-12-16 - Aladdin Theater - Portland, OR
• 2012-12-17 - KEXP Session - Seattle, WA
• 2012-12-17 - The Showbox - Seattle, WA
• 2013-03-04 - WTF with Marc Maron Podcast
• 2015-04-09 - Webster Hall - New York, NY
• 2016-02-24 - Sidebar Theatre - Tallahassee, FL
• 2016-02-25 - High Dive - Gainesville, FL
• 2016-02-27 - Noise Pop 2016 - Swedish American Hall - San Francisco, CA
• 2016-02-28 - Noise Pop 2016 - Swedish American Hall - San Francisco, CA
• 2016-03-01 - The Depot - Humboldt State University - Arcata, CA
• 2016-04-01 - Bearsville Theater - Woodstock, NY
• 2016-04-02 - College Street Music Hall - New Haven, CT
• 2016-04-03 - Columbus Theatre - Providence, RI
• 2016-04-04 - Port City Music Hall - Portland, ME
• 2016-04-06 - Asbury Hall - Buffalo, NY
• 2016-04-07 - Beachland Ballroom - Cleveland, OH
• 2016-04-08 - The Blind Pig - Ann Arbor, MI
• 2016-04-09 - The Vogue - Indianapolis, IN
• 2016-04-11 - City Winery - Chicago, IL
• 2016-04-12 - City Winery - Chicago, IL
• 2016-04-13 - City Winery - Chicago, IL
• 2016-04-14 - Covenant Fine Arts Center - Calvin College - Grand Rapids, MI
• 2016-04-16 - Strand-Capitol Performing Arts Center - York, PA
• 2016-04-17 - City Winery - New York, NY
• 2016-04-18 - City Winery - New York, NY
• 2016-04-19 - City Winery - New York, NY
• 2016-07-22 - Subterranean - Chicago, IL
• 2016-12-16 - House Show for Scott - Cherry Hill, NJ
• 2017-06-28 - Columbus Theatre - Providence, RI
• 2017-07-08 - Majestic Theatre - Madison, WI
• 2017-10-05 - Brudenell Social Club - Leeds, England
• 2017-10-06 - Brudenell Social Club - Leeds, England
• 2017-10-08 - Button Factory - Dublin, Ireland
• 2017-10-09 - Glasgow Art School - Glasgow, Scotland
• 2017-10-11 - O2 Shepherd's Bush Empire - London, England
• 2017-10-12 - The Haunt - Brighton, England
• 2017-10-13 - De Helling - Utrecht, The Netherlands
• 2017-10-15 - Pumpehuset - Copenhagen, Denmark
• 2017-10-16 - Debaser Strand - Stockholm, Sweden
• 2017-10-17 - John Dee - Oslo, Norway
• 2017-11-06 - 9:30 Club - Washington, D.C.
• 2017-11-08 - Calvin Theatre - Northampton, MA
• 2017-11-12 - Brooklyn Steel - Brooklyn, NY
• 2017-11-13 - House of Blues - Boston, MA
• 2017-11-16 - Majestic Theatre - Detroit, MI
• 2017-11-17 - Riviera Theatre - Chicago, IL
• 2019-08-09 - College Street Music Hall - New Haven, CT
• 2020-10-22 - The Jordan Lake Sessions - Pittsboro, NC
• 2021-08-08 - Saturn - Birmingham, AL
• 2021-09-07 - City Winery - New York, NY
• 2021-09-17 - Tower Theatre - Oklahoma City, OK
• 2021-09-18 - Liberty Hall - Lawrence, KS
• 2021-09-19 - George's Majestic Lounge - Fayetteville, AR
• 2021-09-21 - Tellus360 - Lancaster, PA
• 2021-09-24 - Gateway City Arts - Holyoke, MA
• 2021-09-25 - Levon Helm Studios - Woodstock, NY
• 2021-09-26 - Musikfest Cafe - Bethlehem, PA
• 2021-10-14 - Cannery Ballroom - Nashville, TN
• 2021-10-15 - Manchester Music Hall - Lexington, KY
• 2021-10-19 - The Fillmore Philadelphia - Philadelphia, PA
• 2022-05-05 - The Warfield Theatre - San Francisco, CA
• 2022-12-05 - Doug Fir Lounge - Portland, OR
• 2022-12-06 - Doug Fir Lounge - Portland, OR
• 2023-10-09 - Martin Woldson Theater at The Fox - Spokane, WA
• 2023-10-10 - The Knitting Factory - Boise, ID

Videos of this Song

• 2012-04-02 - The Barbican - London, England
• 2012-12-12 - Masonic Lodge - Hollywood Forever Cemetery - Los Angeles, CA
• 2015-04-09 - Webster Hall - New York, NY
• 2020-10-22 - The Jordan Lake Sessions - Pittsboro, NC
• 2022-05-05 - The Warfield Theatre - San Francisco, CA